​By Chad Halvorsen

First off, hello, my name is Chad. I watch a lot of movies, it’s sort of my job. I’m a middle aged freelancer who can help produce and edit short films, commercials, documentaries, and so on. My film cohorts and I have won multiple awards for our work, we even had one of our shorts play at Festival de Cannes last year (ugh… I can hear the voices in my head yell “name dropper!”). Between freelancing and being a #stayathomechad, my only other activity is watching movies on Tuesday nights, for 5 bucks. Why am I telling you this?


I’m lonely for attention Context I am but one of many, many different voices out there writing film reviews, and objectively, way better than I could ever be. So don’t take what I say too seriously, they’re just movies kids


So on to this week’s 5 dollar flick. It was either this or the new Predator, and I heard that was a turd sandwich. So I’m probably pushing that off another week. I just can’t take another shitty attempt at a re-boot. Sorry, I’m straying off topic.


I can sum up Hell Fest with the help from the movie’s tagline and definitely not something I made up on the fly: Hell Fest “The movie equivalent of dry humping for an hour and a half.” For fuck’s sake movie, horror is a genre that heavily depends on tempo and tension. This movie stays at a predictable pace, and then crashes into hyper mode in the 3rd act.

*Spoilers ahead*

For instance, the opening credits were awkward and uninspired. It’s just a bunch of jump scares in a haunted house. It’s supposed to set the tone for what’s to come, but all it does is clumsily introduce the antagonist. He stalks a college girl, stabs her, and hangs her in the haunted house… sigh… okay… why? What happened to the slow burn? What happened to 2nd drafts?  

*Spoilers end*

Do you remember when the almighty JC (John Carpenter) bestowed Halloween to us? Of course you do, praise be to the Father, the Fog, and the Holy Pliskon. Halloween was the right amount of long breaths, mixed with striking moments of chaos. The opening scene, Michael goes from hiding outside, stalking his sister, grabbing a knife, ascending the stairs, and murdering her. We see the panic and the anxiety through Michael’s own eyes. I know movies are made differently now, but it’s an excellent example of character introduction. Especially in a horror movie, motives are key. Why does Michael Myers kill? Because Loomis told us that when he met Michael he had “this blank, pale, emotionless face, and... the blackest eyes - the Devil's eyes.”   


The killer in Hell Fest seems to be a Michael Myers clone, in the worst possible way. Yeah he stalks and maims his prey, like Myers, and I’ll admit, he had some cool fatalities. None of that matters though, because this movie takes place in a horror theme park. It’s too easy for the killer to get around anywhere, there’s no tension in that. Every employee at Hell Fest is antagonizing and scaring patrons, inserting a killer who hides in this massive group, is just lazy. In Halloween, the backdrop is “All Hallow’s Eve,” with all the cute kids in costumes, begging for their next sugar rush. There’s something innocent and evil happening at the same time. Myer’s roams in plain sight, but it’s different. We’re in a affluent neighborhood, where nothing seems to happen, and everyone is living their lives.   


Let me rag on one more thing and then I’ll talk about what I did like. The script. It was just paint by numbers. No attempt at any actual backstory other than “hey I’m in college” or “hey you’re hot.” I know that horror is not meant to be Bill Shakespeare, but character development is key for making me give a shit about anything. *Mini Spoiler* Let’s say you introduce the protagonist’s hot crush. He says funny one liners, tries to impress her, thinks she’s great, etc. Now cut to the moment when he gets his head crushed by an oversized mallet. In that moment, I could care less that he died. Not that the acting was bad, but the writer’s decided that it was more important that the movie had the killer look at camera 50 fucking times, rather than write meaningful dialogue for Gavin... and his newly crushed face. *End Spoiler* The jokes were lame too, and they stepped over each others lines a lot. I don’t know if that was a editorial choice or the director just let the actors shoot from the hip. Here’s a pro tip: unless your actor actually has a background in improv, don’t let your actor riff.


I know what you’re thinking “Chad is just salty” or “your films are garbage!” Which first off, ouch. Second, I’m about to give some compliments now… you jerks. For me, anytime it’s a female protagonist, I’m in. Horror, almost every time, works best with a Laurie Strode or an Ellen Ripley. You can disagree with me, but you would be wrong. Traditionally, and sad to say even today, women are mostly seen as weak, emotional, and a step below their male counterparts. Horror is always an awesome lens for female driven stories because it’s the ultimate “fuck you” to every sexist piece of shit out there. A lot of killers will use knives, or “big objects” to kill their victims. These devices serve another purpose. “Psst… it’s a penis.” That’s why we always see a close up of the entry wound when the knife slides in. It’s to signify penetration, something that women aren’t capable of (debatable, Google it). When you turn it around, and give that same knife to a bad ass chick with a chip on her shoulder, now she’s in charge. Bend over, Mr. Man.


I will also compliment the lighting and cinematography. I can’t blame the camera department on this one, everything was by the book. The sets looked great, even though by the end of it, I’m sure most of the art department was tired of making haunted houses. Overall, I’m sure hard-core horror fans will dig this. I just like a little more substance with the horror genre, especially if it’s going to be a stalker movie. Don’t show us the killer so much, it’s easy to do and a distraction. More time could be spent on making me care about the people you’re about to kill.


And just to round it off, let’s take one more shot. The ending was predictable and lame. It’s fine to leave questions for the end, but the way it was executed was cheap. Which really sums up this entire movie. It’s definitely not the worst piece of shit out there, it’s just cheap, uninspired, and not uncommon for other entries in this genre.